{ weak isn't the word he'd used -- it's more that she's already been through more than enough. why should he add more to it? }
Alright. I. { he takes a deep breath, his hands clasping together on his lap, fumbling faintly before he flattens them on his thighs and does the same cycle as he tries to get his words out. none of it is rehearsed, and it's like he really isn't quite there. }
The mansion wasn't the one I went to with you, but the one in the Autumn segment near the airship station. K-We had settled on that place in the hope we could arrange for a teleporter to be placed there, as it would offer shelter and cut down on travel time. Unfortunately... we learned very quickly it would not be a safe spot after all.
The door we chose to open first had... something unlike anything I've ever seen or heard of before. Even with all the stories of youkai I've heard or seen...
We didn't have much chance to. It reached around us and blocked us in... then when we broke through the floorboards to get to the lower level it grew. Almost like it was filling whatever space it had. Every strike of its hands, many of them, would afflict some kind of effect on us. I lost my ability to speak temporarily, we were burned, poisoned...
{ he takes a sharp breath in and there's a long moment where he seems lost in the memory of it. and when he blinks himself back out of it, fists bound so tightly the backs of his hands seem even whiter, his voice is incredibly low. }
I had to watch them die, knowing neither of us could escape that place. Spirits were already sealing the mansion in, so it was only a matter of time.
Watching someone you care for suffer and die painfully is a special kind of hell.
[ There's a soft, bitter sadness to her voice that comes with the certainty of first-hand experience. She lays her hand on top of Ayato's tightly balled fist. ]
I'm so sorry. You never should have been made to go through something like that. No one should.
{ it may come as a surprise when his hand slowly turns at that, instead shifting to clasp hers instead of letting it just rest there. }
I... have seen plenty of people die under my command, but this was incredibly different. { his voice softens yet seems to sound drier at the same time. } And I made it worse. I called Thoma near the end of it, since I knew if we were missing they'd consider looking for us. I didn't want Ayaka or him to go there. But I ran out of time.
{ the implication for what that means likely doesn't need to be said. }
[ She laces her fingers between his. Her skin is pleasantly warm and dry to the touch. She understands what he means--it's different, when it's someone that you're that close to. When the death isn't clean, but a torture. She gives his hand a gentle squeeze in what she hopes is a comforting gesture.
She doesn't wince, but she feels a deep pang of empathy for both Ayato and Thoma. Ayato panicked and tried to make the best of a bad situation. But it must have been agony for Thoma too. And it makes her wonder about his lack of presence now... ]
{ his hand squeezes hers in return, a way of apology since he knows she likely understands all too well. even if he wishes she didn't.
there is a faint smile on his lips at her question though. }
I have, yes. He was waiting for me at the flower yard. He's resting... as I don't think he's slept much the past few days. I only got back late last night.
[ Poor Thoma. Maybe she should check in on him... ]
Do you want me to find something to help you sleep without any dreams?
[ There's bound to be something; at least, there were such things in Imeeji. Tighnari might know of an incense that could induce dreamless sleep. Or maybe even Alhaitham; probably no one here has read more books than he has. ]
I didn't want to leave it too long before telling you.
{ he can't speak for him, but he'd probably brush it off and say the worst of it is over. he hasn't blamed him at all for it, when ayato feels he should have. }
I have some lavender somewhere in my room. I think it's more to make a person feel drowsy more than remove sleep, however. But I'll be fine for a couple of days.
I understand not wanting to sleep. But you do know that after three or four nights without it, you can start to hallucinate, right? Nightmares are bad, but you could start to relive what happened while you're awake, too.
[ And then there's the extra risk of accidents, risky behavior, paranoia, depression, an inability to think... ]
Once I've spoken to Olwen or the other power holders about it, yes. I doubt there won't be some eager to rush inside, so I want to see if there's a chance they can put a barrier first. I understand it may cause panic, but I'd rather no one stumble upon it accidentally merely because I kept quiet about it.
{ he glances at her for that, a small smile on his lips. }
Do I need to be comfortable with it? Most of my work has never been comfortable, and if I want people to trust I have their best intentions in mind, I need to be honest with them about things like this.
I just think you deserve to talk about this when you feel ready to, the same as any other person. Your other work, it might not be comfortable--but it's different. Subterfuge and façade. This is honesty and vulnerability. Once you've let people see your soft underbelly, it's hard to walk that back. Are you okay with that?
I'm just a human, Lumine. I'm not sure why alerting people that something extremely difficult to handle was found in this world, that we don't even know if the seasonal power holders have heard of before now.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. I'm just worried about you, that's all.
[ She withdraws her hand. She tried. There's clearly no dissuading him at this point. Better to not continue down that path and risk making things worse for him. ]
I thought maybe talking about your trauma that openly might be sharing more of yourself than you're used to--comfortable with. I see I misjudged things, though. If you're really fine with it, then you should go through with it.
{ his gaze shifts back to her then, letting her hand move away without protest. }
As nice as it would be to have the time to process it, I've found life moves on whether you're ready to move on with it or not. Do you think, given my position, I've ever had the opportunity to relax and let myself grieve over anyone or anything? All I can say is that this is something I'm rather used to by now, Lumine. I do recognise and appreciate your concern, however.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Will it not be uncomfortable for you?
no subject
I wouldn't offer if I didn't think I could handle it.
no subject
Alright. I. { he takes a deep breath, his hands clasping together on his lap, fumbling faintly before he flattens them on his thighs and does the same cycle as he tries to get his words out. none of it is rehearsed, and it's like he really isn't quite there. }
The mansion wasn't the one I went to with you, but the one in the Autumn segment near the airship station. K-We had settled on that place in the hope we could arrange for a teleporter to be placed there, as it would offer shelter and cut down on travel time. Unfortunately... we learned very quickly it would not be a safe spot after all.
The door we chose to open first had... something unlike anything I've ever seen or heard of before. Even with all the stories of youkai I've heard or seen...
no subject
That must have been terrifying. Were you able to escape it?
[ Obviously at some point his luck ran out. But he did say "first" door. ]
no subject
We didn't have much chance to. It reached around us and blocked us in... then when we broke through the floorboards to get to the lower level it grew. Almost like it was filling whatever space it had. Every strike of its hands, many of them, would afflict some kind of effect on us. I lost my ability to speak temporarily, we were burned, poisoned...
{ he takes a sharp breath in and there's a long moment where he seems lost in the memory of it. and when he blinks himself back out of it, fists bound so tightly the backs of his hands seem even whiter, his voice is incredibly low. }
I had to watch them die, knowing neither of us could escape that place. Spirits were already sealing the mansion in, so it was only a matter of time.
no subject
[ There's a soft, bitter sadness to her voice that comes with the certainty of first-hand experience. She lays her hand on top of Ayato's tightly balled fist. ]
I'm so sorry. You never should have been made to go through something like that. No one should.
no subject
I... have seen plenty of people die under my command, but this was incredibly different. { his voice softens yet seems to sound drier at the same time. } And I made it worse. I called Thoma near the end of it, since I knew if we were missing they'd consider looking for us. I didn't want Ayaka or him to go there. But I ran out of time.
{ the implication for what that means likely doesn't need to be said. }
no subject
She doesn't wince, but she feels a deep pang of empathy for both Ayato and Thoma. Ayato panicked and tried to make the best of a bad situation. But it must have been agony for Thoma too. And it makes her wonder about his lack of presence now... ]
Have you seen or spoke with him since?
no subject
there is a faint smile on his lips at her question though. }
I have, yes. He was waiting for me at the flower yard. He's resting... as I don't think he's slept much the past few days. I only got back late last night.
no subject
[ Poor Thoma. Maybe she should check in on him... ]
Do you want me to find something to help you sleep without any dreams?
[ There's bound to be something; at least, there were such things in Imeeji. Tighnari might know of an incense that could induce dreamless sleep. Or maybe even Alhaitham; probably no one here has read more books than he has. ]
no subject
{ he can't speak for him, but he'd probably brush it off and say the worst of it is over. he hasn't blamed him at all for it, when ayato feels he should have. }
I have some lavender somewhere in my room. I think it's more to make a person feel drowsy more than remove sleep, however. But I'll be fine for a couple of days.
{ as in. he doesn't. um. plan to sleep. }
no subject
I understand not wanting to sleep. But you do know that after three or four nights without it, you can start to hallucinate, right? Nightmares are bad, but you could start to relive what happened while you're awake, too.
[ And then there's the extra risk of accidents, risky behavior, paranoia, depression, an inability to think... ]
no subject
{ which may give her some peace of mind, but not totally... }
no subject
You still can't avoid sleeping forever.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
[ What she means is-- ]
If you announce it yourself, you might be forcing yourself into reliving those memories. Would it be helpful if someone announced it for you?
no subject
Do I need to be comfortable with it? Most of my work has never been comfortable, and if I want people to trust I have their best intentions in mind, I need to be honest with them about things like this.
no subject
no subject
I'm just a human, Lumine. I'm not sure why alerting people that something extremely difficult to handle was found in this world, that we don't even know if the seasonal power holders have heard of before now.
no subject
[ She withdraws her hand. She tried. There's clearly no dissuading him at this point. Better to not continue down that path and risk making things worse for him. ]
I thought maybe talking about your trauma that openly might be sharing more of yourself than you're used to--comfortable with. I see I misjudged things, though. If you're really fine with it, then you should go through with it.
no subject
As nice as it would be to have the time to process it, I've found life moves on whether you're ready to move on with it or not. Do you think, given my position, I've ever had the opportunity to relax and let myself grieve over anyone or anything? All I can say is that this is something I'm rather used to by now, Lumine. I do recognise and appreciate your concern, however.
(no subject)
(no subject)